If I ever spoke to my parents or other people with a sassy attitude, I knew the next words from my mother would be this reminder: “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” I heard that phrase multiple times growing up and never really pondered the meaning. I just knew that my mother was telling me to use a more appropriate tone with her or others.
At some point, I talked to her about the expression. She explained that people are generally more eager to help you or cooperate with you when you are nice (sweet as honey) rather than surly (sour as vinegar). At first, I figured that meant I had to be polite — if I said
please, then I would get the response I wanted. It took me a while to figure out that the expression went far beyond politeness.
Barrage of Acidity
When I started to actively practice the meaning behind the expression, I recognized the impact. If I approached people in a pleasant manner, they responded accordingly. This became an important skill for me when I started my first job at a fabric store. When a customer was upset, if I responded with kindness and compassion, it was so much easier to help resolve the concern. If I became defensive in tone, the interaction tended to go downhill.
Many years later, I was working in the Howard County, Md., Public Schools when the district began its Choose Civility campaign. The emphasis on civility reminded me of my mom’s words. Civility is about being kind and polite. It is something we definitely need in the age of social media, where vinegar is much more the norm.
This trend in negative messaging is definitely felt by school administrators and teachers. People who wish to share concerns with school system staff frequently communicate in negative or condescending ways. It becomes hard to wade through the barrage of acidic messages without becoming frustrated or disheartened. It becomes increasingly difficult to respond with sugar.
Lost in Accusation
Unfortunately, I am even seeing the negative messages in forms of advocacy. I recently received an e-mail from a high school student who was advocating for the use of environmentally friendly lunch trays in school cafeterias. The e-mail was so accusatory — questioning whether decisions were made based solely on money and lamenting the high salaries paid to staff that prevented the environmentally friendly trays from being available. The student’s e-mail ended with a warning that staff would need to tell their grand-children that they were part of the problem and not the solution.
As I read this sharp-tongued missive, my mother’s voice appeared in my head. How could I persuade this student that a powerful message was lost in his “vinegar”? The student’s passion for the environment was evident, but the advocacy would have been so much more effective if done with a polite and civil tone — just as my mom always reminded me.
THERESA ALBAN is superintendent of the Frederick County Public Schools in Frederick, Md. Twitter:
@FCPSMDSuper. This column is adapted from her blog,
Off the Cuff With Dr. Theresa Alban.