Amy Gallo (standing), author of Harvard Business Review’s Guide to Dealing with Conflict, checks in with participants at a workshop she led on conducting difficult conversations with coworkers.

Disagreements are an inevitable, normal and healthy part of relating to other people, and yet at work, we often go to great lengths to avoid conflict. We want to work in a school system where people are polite, considerate and kind. But it’s possible to be too nice, failing to surface new ideas or innovations or to speak up when we should.

Consider these descriptions of two fictional school administrators and how they manage their teams:

Rodrigo is a beloved school principal. He’s known by his staff as a protector who always watches out for his team members. He’s nurturing and has easy, comfortable relationships. Knowing that his teachers often feel under attack from administrators, parents, the school board and the press, Rodrigo has fostered a “we’re in this together” atmosphere where staff members feel they’re in lockstep and see the world outside school in similar ways. They rarely disagree and when points of divergence come up in meetings, Rodrigo quickly tamps them out.

At a recent school presentation where a few of his teachers presented, Rodrigo handled the Q&A afterward so that the teachers wouldn’t have to respond to disgruntled parents, questioning community members and seemingly surly board members. The staff feel as if he always has their back.

Now let’s consider a principal named Lynn.

Lynn is well-respected, if not always liked by the staff at her school. They admire how she handles challenging students, upset parents and difficult members of the school board but they wish her style was a bit warmer. Several of the teachers think of her as rough around the edges.

When anyone comes to her with complaints or problems, she hears them out and asks probing questions, rather than doing a lot of soothing. When two staff members aren’t getting along, she doesn’t attempt to smooth things over but encourages them to sort it out, sometimes in front of others in staff meetings. On more than one occasion, she has raised contentious issues in a group setting and then asked people to debate the merits of each side.

Her approach has caused discomfort for a lot of the staff even when the debates have resulted in stronger curriculum for the school and more creative solutions to difficult problems. Ultimately, the staff know Lynn has high expectations and will hold them accountable to doing their best.

Best Prepared
We might be tempted to think that Rodrigo is the better leader. He’s got a strong followership and it’s clear that people enjoy working for him. But while the day-to-day mood on his staff is positive, it’s not clear that his team is pushing themselves or prepared for change. What would happen if they needed to quickly adapt to policy changes or budget cuts? How would they handle the inevitable conflicts that arise when Rodrigo has to deliver bad news and make tough calls?

On the other hand, Lynn, while not a particularly warm leader, knows how to push her team. They may not always be comfortable, but they know Lynn is invested in the success of the school. She’s prepared to make difficult decisions and help her staff handle the consequences.

Neither Lynn or Rodrigo is perfect — no leader is. But Lynn has a critical skill for leading a diverse, inclusive, productive team. She’s not afraid of a fight.

Challenging Assumptions
In many fields, including education, leaders talk about the importance of collaboration. But too few leaders push for the kind of deep collaboration and problem solving that comes from being honest with one another, challenging each other’s assumptions, presenting evidence and being open to new ideas whether they come from inside or outside the school.

What I’ve observed in research on organizational leadership and through interviews about conflict at work is that most people are more like Rodrigo. They don’t want to disagree — or know how to do it. In fact, we’ve come to equate saying “I see it differently” or “I don’t agree” with being angry, rude or unkind.

For a school or a school district to thrive, leaders need to design conflicts that allow their teams to be creative and productive. We have to learn how to disagree more, and school leaders need to take responsibility for making it comfortable and acceptable for people to dissent, debate and express their true opinions.

Plenty of Positives
What’s the first step? Like Lynn, you need to embrace the benefits of disagreements. Here are a few positive outcomes to consider.

» BETTER WORK PRODUCTS. When you and your colleagues push one another to continually ask if there’s a better approach to a problem, that creative friction is likely to lead to new solutions. Whether it’s designing a new curriculum or determining a new approach to discipline, conflict can spark new ideas.

“Conflict allows the team to come to terms with difficult situations, to synthesize diverse perspectives and to make sure solutions are well thought-out,” says Liane Davey, author of You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done. “Conflict is uncomfortable, but it is the source of true innovation and also a critical process in identifying and mitigating risks.”

» OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN AND GROW. As uncomfortable as it may feel when someone challenges your ideas, it’s an opportunity to learn. By listening and incorporating feedback, you gain experience, try new things and evolve as a leader. When your colleague chews you out after an important presentation because you didn’t give her team credit for their work, the words may sting, but you’re more likely to think through everyone’s perspectives before preparing your next talk.

» HIGHER JOB SATISFACTION. When you’re not afraid to constructively disagree about issues at work, you’re likely to be happier to go to the office, be satisfied with what you accomplish and enjoy interactions with your colleagues. Instead of feeling as if you have to walk on eggshells, you can focus on getting your work done.

Research supports this. A study of American and Chinese employees in China showed a correlation between the use of certain approaches to conflict management — ones in which employees pursue a win-win situation, care for others and focus on common interests — and an employee’s happiness at work.

» ADAPTABILITY. In organizations where agreement and harmony are the norm, it can be hard to adapt when necessary. Whether it’s budget cuts, curriculum changes or staff turnover, change can create a quagmire of conflict if people don’t know how to disagree. Having the skills to productively debate, surface tensions, question assumptions and come to solutions helps a team weather changes that come down the pike.

» A MORE INCLUSIVE WORK ENVIRONMENT. If you want to have diversity and inclusion in your organization, you have to be prepared to disagree. Research has shown that homogenous groups tend to be more confident in their performance, while diverse groups are often more successful in completing tasks. If you want people to bring different perspectives to work and to feel comfortable expressing opinions that are different from the norm, you have to make it OK to disagree.

Comfort With Conflict
Once you’ve embraced the positive outcomes, how do you work toward realizing them? As a leader, here are some ways you can help yourself and your staff get more comfortable with conflict.

» LET GO OF NEEDING TO BE LIKED. Most people want people to like them. That’s normal. But managing people so they will like you shouldn’t be your goal. Instead of trying to increase your likability, focus on respect — both giving it and earning it. Joel Garfinkle, author of Difficult Conversations, wrote: “Even when the subject matter is difficult, conversations can remain mutually supportive. Respect the other person’s point of view, and expect them to respect yours.” If you model that respect is more important than likability, you’ll make it safer for people to raise their ideas.

» DON’T MAKE IT PERSONAL. Disagreements are hard when you think of them as personal jabs. Let go of the idea that it’s all about you. Focus on something other than the potential damage a disagreement can do to your relationship. Instead, think about the business needs: Why is your difference of opinion an important debate to have? How will it help the organization, your team or the project you’re working on? Wanting to be liked is about you. Wanting what’s best for the business or the team is far less selfish.

» SET GROUND RULES FOR CONFLICT. People, including you, will feel more comfortable if there are guardrails around potentially contentious conversations. At a minimum, you can require no interrupting, no yelling and no personal attacks. You might suggest that people focus on what’s best for the school, not their own personal agendas. You also may acknowledge that in these types of discussions, people may need to take a break at some point. If you’re worried that people won’t abide by rules, write them down and post them on a wall so you can refer to them.

» DON’T EQUATE DISAGREEMENT WITH UNKINDNESS. When I talk with people who are afraid of conflict and I ask why they are hesitant to disagree, I most often hear, “I don’t want to hurt her feelings” or “I don’t want to be a jerk.” Yes, there are some people who genuinely don’t want to be disagreed with, but most people are open to hearing a different perspective if you share it thoughtfully and respectfully. Ask yourself: Is there really a risk that you will hurt your coworker’s feelings or they’ll think you’re a jerk? Or are you projecting your own discomfort?

» FIND A ROLE MODEL. Chances are there’s someone in your life — a colleague, a relative or a friend — who does a pretty good job of being direct and honest about their thoughts and opinions without ruffling feathers. Maybe you know someone like Lynn. Watch that person. See what they do. And then try to emulate them. If you’re not good at dealing with tense conversations, try on the persona of someone who is.

A Modest Start
It’s unlikely you and your staff will go from avoiding conflict to completely embracing it overnight. So start small. Let the contentious conversation in your staff meeting continue while encouraging people to see one another’s perspectives. Be more direct when giving feedback. Share an unpopular opinion and see how it goes. Chances are it will go better than you expect. And if it doesn’t, you can learn from the situation, change your approach, and try again.

Knowing how to have professional, productive disagreements is a skill everyone on your team should develop. Doing so will not only improve your work but strengthen your bonds as well.

By working through conflict together, you’ll feel closer and gain a better understanding of what matters to one another. You’ll also set an important precedent: It is possible to have “good” fights and then move on.


AMY GALLO is a consultant on workplace dynamics in Providence, R.I. Twitter: @amyegallo. She adapted this article from her book HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict (Harvard Business Publishing, 2017).